The world is in an uproar. There are wars, protests, anger, injustice, hatred. People are afraid to speak their opinion for fear of retribution. Up is down and down is up. We seem to have forgotten the basic need for kindness. I have opened my heart to try and spread as much kindness as I can. I smile at people. I tell them to have a nice day. I tell them they have an amazing smile. When I see them smile back at me, it makes me glow from the inside. It truly touches people. That simple gesture is all. We need more of it. It is healing.
Quiet people… are they shy? are they unintelligent? are they scared? are they truly weak?
People are quiet for many reasons. Possibly that they are extremely shy and prefer to be a wallflower; they were in an abusive situation and they do not want to poke the bear; they are accustomed to being ignored; they are better listeners; or maybe they prefer to be alone with their thoughts.
I, personally, am very talkative in a one-on-one situation, I am friendly and kind, I find humor in most things. I am also extremely quiet when I am in a large group. I have been told I will get walked on if I don’t speak up. What people do not understand about me is that I am very smart, but I also have ADHD. I am working on many things in my head all at the same time. I am not weak, I will stand up for myself, however, I feel I can get through most situations without being loud and abusive.
In my childhood, I made everyone comfortable in any situation. The proverbial middle child. My life is handled much better when I leave people in a good way. Since it is my life, I will continue to do so. I am the one, after all, who will need to deal with my internal feelings about every situation in which I have put myself. Overthinking will begin and I will question everything. I am my own worst critic. Writing is my saving grace. I write everything down, work it out, resolve it, and move on. I will always be a work in progress.
To all the quiet people who suffer in silence: I understand completely. Quiet = safe. You will always have someone to talk to if you feel the need. You don’t have to suffer alone.
Don’t underestimate us quiet people. We get what we want when we need to do so. we are stronger than you would believe.
My life appears to be very happy, well balanced, and fun, as well as busy. What others do not see is the frustration I feel almost daily. I feel ignored. I feel that my thoughts are not heard. I feel that I provide advice, solutions, or comments and they are only noted or heard when someone else says the exact same thing I just said. I have known this feeling since high school. I call myself a wallflower. This is not to mean I don’t feel cared for, because I am. I feel loved, cared for, and appreciated. I just seem to feel this way when there is a discussion taking place and at least two others are in the room. It is ridiculous to be frustrated. It will not change the way I feel, until I progress to feeling angry. I have tried to tell myself to breathe, let it go, and submit my thoughts or advice to the group when there is a quiet moment. I will have to continue working on these feelings. Being self aware helps and my self care will have a new focus…
I seem to learn something every single day. Today, I learned a new level of patience. The patience it takes to wait for someone to settle down after they have spent 15 minutes blaming me for everything that is wrong with their day. I listened with the patience I never knew I had. I didn’t get mad. I didn’t get sad. I didn’t argue. I didn’t cry. I just let them be mad and rant and rave.
Sometimes, ignoring the constant barrage of anger is the simplest solution. Let them vent and get their anger out. The silence is deafening to them. They start to calm down. They pout. They get over it. Afterwards I was left holding all the angry words said to me (and it was hurtful). I then took my new patience out for a test drive and tossed the angry words out the window.
I learned that this person needed to vent. I learned I needed to be patient with someone who is having a bad day. I learned to let it go.
It has been a while since I have written anything. I had gotten so busy with life… starting a business, learning a new set of skills, helping my children embrace adulthood, caring for an elderly parent, and enjoying the two most amazing grandsons.
Some residual, uncomfortable feelings have been rearing their ugly heads: overwhelming dread, stress, pulled in many directions, unable to complete tasks, and the inability to say no.
Amidst all of those feelings, I have also been feeling content as I write and post something new every day. My therapy is going back to writing and trying to calm the constant feeling of taking care of everything and everyone…. I am back. Let’s see where this goes.
While listening to an old song, which was a favorite of mine in the ’80s, I began to think, while crying, of my best friend in high school. Tina and I loved to sing in the car as we were driving to our latest adventure. Every time we were together, life became an amazing experience. She knew me better than anyone and we were there for each other no matter what. She helped me get through a broken heart by picking up the pieces and gently helped put them back together again. We laughed and cried and and shared our dreams.
As we grew older, our lives began to separate. I moved 2,000 miles away and it became difficult to keep in touch. As a codependent, I blame myself for losing contact as the constant need to keep everyone in my family happy overtook my need to have my dearest friend close to me.
Fifteen years later, I moved back only to discover I could not continue our friendship… she passed away. My heart broke again with all the things I could not say to her and thank her for. No one was there to pick up the pieces this time. My codependency raged at me for not keeping her in my life. I spoke with her family and young son at the funeral. I was able to speak honestly with her sisters and hug her son as they were my family also. Even though I was hurting so much, I realize that she helped me once again. She helped me to become a stronger person and learn to make myself happy first.
I have been on this long road to recovery from codependency for many years. I may never fully recover, but I am getting better every day. Being a strong woman is amazing when I can pull it off. Raising two boys that are becoming incredible adults makes me feel that full recovery is truly possible.
I miss you, Tina, and am so thankful you were a major part of my life. I am sorry for not being there for you when you needed me. I hope that I will make you proud some day. Rest in peace, my dearest friend.
My journey was interrupted… the world was moving so quickly and changing so rapidly that my journey into the normal literally halted. The codependent skill of doing and being for others simply took over my being. And now, here I stand at yet another fork in the road. Making that important decision to begin my journey again…. the journey of learning about me, my feelings, my self worth and healing.
As I look forward to continuing my blog, I once again face the reality of my codependency. Even though my journey has paused, I know that I will never be free from my codependency. It is a part of me, a part of my character. Often I retreat into memories of my past where I find an odd comfort in the regret over my failed past relationships, disappointment in choices I have made, joy in finding new love, and pride in the blessing of motherhood. The familiar feelings of saying and doing the things that made others happy and comfortable, at the price of burying my true feelings and biting my tongue.
I will begin my healing again and continue my adventure. I am excited to bring you along…. the outlook is positive and we codependents need each other.
I want to jump, I really do. The dock is just too short. I may change my mind. The water may be too cold. The water may be too shallow. What if I can’t swim? What if I scream and no one hears me?
We are faced with choices daily. Why do so many of us jump just because someone else chose to jump before us? If the dock were longer, we would have more time to really think about the choices we are about to make, and maybe jumping would not be so appealing. Listen to yourself. Intuitions have their purpose. Be your own voice, your own mind, your own soul. Break away from the herd and stop blindly following others who have a louder voice.
Evidence equals truth and does not lie. Do not make choices you will be sorry for later in life.
Freedom from codependency is finding who you are and gaining the courage to nurture yourself, body and soul, first and above all others.
My friend recently lost her husband of 26 years to terminal brain cancer. Eyes are the windows to the soul and in her eyes I see an immense amount of pain, loneliness, and sadness. People surround her, people care for her, people want to help her, but the only thing she wants is her best friend back. Her husband was loved and respected by many, and his quick wit and humor endeared him to many others. The courage and strength I have experienced from this family is an inspiration.
Live like you are dying. No regrets. Every moment, every memory, every smile is a blessing. Happiness radiates and is infectious…. make every day count.
Rest in peace, my friend. You are a welcomed soul in heaven.
The road is long, the journey is rough and consists of many different directions, obstacles, and decisions. Being a lifelong codependent, I have always traveled my path with the belief that I can handle anything and everything on my own. This belief is shared by many codependents as it creates an appearance of strength and competence. The farther I travel on my walk, the more I have found others like me and this comes with the enlightenment that I do not have to be alone. Others are willing to help carry my burdens and I am able to help with theirs. In gathering friends and family along the way, the journey has become an adventure. The strong and capable me becomes the sharing, loving, alive, and happy inner self that has waited for the chance to spring forth. My journey is filled with faith, sunlight and happiness, an excitement greets each new day. Codependency will no longer overshadow my world and leave me crouched in a corner, afraid to face the world.
I have taken a step back to view the forest, instead of focusing on the trees.
ke, and maybe jumping would not be so appealing. Listen to yourself. Intuitions have their purpose. Be your own voice, your own mind, your own soul. Break away from the herd and stop blindly following others who have a louder voice.
Me 2.0 