Moving forward while standing still

I have run into many potholes on my path and surprisingly I am able to overcome life challenges and find new strength.  I am a student of trial and error and learning from my mistakes has always provided growth opportunities.  I believe I will always have a codependent piece in my character, one that I will never be able to truly leave behind.  It is who I am.  My journey to living for me has opened many other doors, doors which have me moving forward into new areas of my life that I would never have explored in the past.  I love my life and the family and friends that surround me and the support I receive keeps me grounded. 

I am excited to investigate the new areas my codependency has led me to, and am relieved to know I can make my mistakes and remain standing upright and proud.  I will continue to move forward on my path, while standing still and safe with the love of my family and friends.

path with bridge

 

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Opinions not allowed!

It happened again.   A statement was made and I stated my opinion.  I was flat out told I was wrong.  This tells me…  my thoughts and opinions do not matter when they are in opposition to what others believe.  After a lifetime of being told I am wrong, I am stupid, and I don’t know what I am talking about, I grew strong.  I will no longer tolerate being told I am wrong, I am useless, I am not worthy, and my thoughts don’t matter.  I do not have fear when I state my opinion.  I may get angry, but if I walk away, it is to be able to breathe and gather my thoughts.  When my opinions are opposed, I tend to fight it out, state my opinion, and stand my ground.  Is this the wrong approach?  Am I setting myself up for failure?

Tonight I stated my opinion, which apparently was met with distaste from the others in the room.  After I was told my opinion was wrong, and was met with visible displeasure, I left the room.  Flight instead of fight…  My friend followed me and told me that I need to get over it, that we were having a lively discussion and I should come back to the discussion.  How was I supposed to just suck it up and “behave” when every fiber of my being was on edge?  I have spent many hours trying to overcome the feelings that rage inside of me and sometimes I truly feel it is best for me to leave the scene.  My friend tells me I am impossible.  My friend tells me I “storm” away from friendly conversations and have done so many times in the past.  My friend suggests that maybe I am having hormonal overreactions and should talk to my doctor.  Really?  My knowledge of the what has just happened is not matching up to what she has seen.  Am I truly overreacting?  Am I supposed to sit down and keep quiet?  Maybe I am wrong, but I feel I should at least be able to speak my mind.  I am saddened by the thought that maybe I am not too smart and I should just keep my opinions to myself. 

Codependency never really leaves you…  you have to leave it.

I give thanks…

I give thanks to my wonderful family for always standing beside me, even when the choices I make turn out to be the biggest disasters.

I give thanks to my husband, who has to lives with me, the crazy codependent, and still loves me.

I give thanks to my children who are exceptional people and will always carry a piece of my heart with them.

I give thanks for my birds and dogs, as they provide unconditional love and needed therapy on stressful days.

I give thanks for my job, as I am able to provide for my family.

I give thanks to my friends, for always listening to me, knowing and understanding me, and still being my friend.

I give thanks to the people who read my blog, as they give me the courage and will to continue writing.

I give thanks to all Veterans who always give more than they receive and deserve more of our respect and gratitude.

I give thanks to my Lord for carrying me through the hard times, showing me that faith is priceless, and continuing to promise me grace and love after all the mistakes I have made.

Thanksgiving

 

Music and Lyrics

Music is a healer, a comfort, an expression, and an emotion.  A person’s choice in music is like a window into their soul.  You can tell a mood or an attitude by what music is being heard.  Music brings people together–we sing together, we dance together.  You can feel your worries and your stress leave as you listen.  I am transported to another place when I listen to a song and the lyrics touch me.  There are some amazing song writers in this world.  They put poetry to music and I for one appreciate what they give.  Music is a major part of my self-care, it is like a drug and I am an addict.

Music is strength…  Music is love…  Music is freedom…  Music is faith…  Music is in me…

Colorful music

Spending time with Mom

My mother is the codependent I modeled myself after.  She is a hard worker, an amazing housekeeper, kind, compassionate, generous and has a faith like no other.  She was a nurse and was the most caring and helpful nurse of all time.  She has done her time in hell and has earned her wings.  She is 83 and her memory is slipping, but she has strength of character and love of life which transforms her into a young woman.  Her sense of humor joined with mine has created a bond between us that I will cherish forever.

Knowing what my Mom has dealt with in living with an alcoholic has given me great sorrow.  She has not taken many vacations and has always wished to go on a cruise.  She is a people person and has a magnetic personality that touches everyone with whom she comes into contact.  I admire her more and more every time I see her.  She is truly the wind which helps me soar.  She is my Matilda and I love her.  I am so lucky to be able to spend time with Mom.

mom

 

Theme change!

As I am growing in my blog writing and becoming comfortable in the blogging world, I decided to change the look of my blog.  I have been reading the blogs I follow and have learned so much from so many of the more experienced bloggers.  There are some truly amazing writers out there and a big THANK YOU goes out to you all for being you and doing what you do!

Let me know what you think of the new look.  I am still a codependent and want to make everyone happy…  🙂   Now, if only I could change my life path as easily as I changed this theme.

Friends forever… or not?

Over the years, I have met many people.  Many of them have become really good friends, friends I admire, laugh with, and rely upon.  All the gatherings, football games, parties, etc. have been amazing.  Then it happens…  the  horrible news of divorce from one of your friend couples.  In the beginning of the end, you feel you will be able to maintain a close friendship and bond with each of them, nothing will change and the good times will continue.  Inevitably, it always changes.  The constant complaining from one about the other, the splitting of the money and assets, the belief that one is seeing someone else, etc. 

The group, the gang, the team is forever changed and you end up chosing sides and losing friends.  The barrage of fun photos, parties, and awesome updates on social media from the side you did not choose is a constant reminder of the friendship you had with them.  I miss so many and wish I could have the opportunity to let them know I still care and wish them well.  To have known them in my lifetime is an honor.  To have them return to my life is a blessing.

group of friends