Loss of a friend

While listening to an old song, which was a favorite of mine in the ’80s, I began to think, while crying, of my best friend in high school.  Tina and I loved to sing in the car as we were driving to our latest adventure.  Every time we were together, life became an amazing experience.  She knew me  better than anyone and we were there for each other no matter what.  She helped me get through a broken heart by picking up the pieces and gently helped put them back together again.  We laughed and cried and and shared our dreams.

As we grew older, our lives began to separate.  I moved 2,000 miles away and it became difficult to keep in touch.  As a codependent, I blame myself for losing contact as the constant need to keep everyone in my family happy overtook my need to have my dearest friend close to me.

Fifteen years later, I moved back only to discover I could not continue our friendship… she passed away.  My heart broke again with all the things I could not say to her and thank her for.  No one was there to pick up the pieces this time.  My codependency raged at me for not keeping her in my life.  I spoke with her family and young son at the funeral.  I was able to speak honestly with her sisters and hug her son as they were my family also.  Even though I was hurting so much, I realize that she helped me once again.  She helped me to become a stronger person and learn to make myself happy first.

I have been on this long road to recovery from codependency for many years.  I may never fully recover, but I am getting better every day.  Being a strong woman is amazing when I can pull it off.  Raising two boys that are becoming incredible adults makes me feel that full recovery is truly possible.

imissyou

I miss you, Tina, and am so thankful you were a major part of my life.  I am sorry for not being there for you when you needed me.   I hope that I will make you proud some day.   Rest in peace, my dearest friend.

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The Journey Continues

My journey was interrupted…  the world was moving so quickly and changing so rapidly that my journey into the normal literally halted.  The codependent skill of doing and being for others simply took over my being.  And now, here I stand at yet another fork in the road.  Making that important decision to begin my journey again….  the journey of learning about me, my feelings, my self worth and healing.

As I look forward to continuing my blog, I once again face the reality of my codependency.  Even though my journey has paused, I know that I will never be free from my codependency.  It is a part of me, a part of my character.  Often I retreat into memories of my past where I find an odd comfort in the regret over my failed past relationships, disappointment in choices I have made, joy in finding new love, and pride in the blessing of motherhood.  The familiar feelings of saying and doing the things that made others happy and comfortable, at the price of burying my true feelings and biting my tongue.

I will begin my healing again and continue my adventure.  I am excited to bring you along….  the outlook is positive and we codependents need each other.

The dock isn’t long enough….

I want to jump, I really do.  The dock is just too short.  I may change my mind.  The water may be too cold.  The water may be too shallow.  What if I can’t swim?  What if I scream and no one hears me?

We are faced with choices daily.  Why do so many of us jump just because someone else chose to jump before us?  If the dock were longer, we would have more time to really think about the choices we are about to maDock jumpke, and maybe jumping would not be so appealing.  Listen to yourself.  Intuitions have their purpose.  Be your own voice, your own mind, your own soul.  Break away from the herd and stop blindly following others who have a louder voice.

Evidence equals truth and does not lie.  Do not make choices you will be sorry for later in life.

Freedom from codependency is finding who you are and gaining the courage to nurture yourself, body and soul, first and above all others.

 

 

Live like you are dying…

My friend recently lost her husband of 26 years to terminal brain cancer.  Eyes are the windows to the soul and in her eyes I see an immense amount of pain, loneliness, and sadness.  People surround her, people care for her, people want to help her, but the only thing she wants is her best friend back.  Her husband was loved and respected by many, and his quick wit and humor endeared him to many others.  The courage and strength I have experienced from this family is an inspiration.

Live like you are dying.  No regrets.  Every moment, every memory, every smile is a blessing.  Happiness radiates and is infectious….  make every day count.

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Rest in peace, my friend.  You are a welcomed soul in heaven.

 

The road is long…

The road is long, the journey is rough and consists of many different directions, obstacles, and decisions.  Being a lifelong codependent, I have always traveled my path with the belief that I can handle anything and everything on my own.  This belief is shared by many codependents as it creates an appearance of strength and competence.  The farther I travel on my walk, the more I have found others like me and this comes with the enlightenment that I do not have to be alone.  Others are willing to help carry my burdens and I am able to help with theirs.  In gathering friends and family along the way, the journey has become an adventure. forest above The strong and capable me becomes the sharing, loving, alive, and happy inner self that has waited for the chance to spring forth.  My journey is filled with faith, sunlight and happiness, an excitement greets each new day.  Codependency will no longer overshadow my world and leave me crouched in a corner, afraid to face the world.

I have taken a step back to view the forest, instead of focusing on the trees.

A new fork in the road discovered…

I have been walking for a long time on my journey, a journey filled with new beginnings, better understandings, and an appreciation offork-in-the-road life.  The path I walk has been fraught with highs and lows, along with a few stones which I have stumbled over.  While I have learned so much, I can’t shake the feeling that there is so much more ahead.  I await the next step eagerly and with much anticipation, as I see a new fork in the road ahead.  It is time to take a chance….

 

Another Step Towards Recovery

Becoming a self-confident person has always been a goal which seemed unattainable.  Although I am not yet fully operational as a self-lovromanceing person who exudes a terrific self esteem, I am happy to say that I have found an inner peace.  This inner peace has helped tamp down the awful thoughts and feelings I have had which hindered my confidence.

Inner peace translates to happiness.  Happiness has spread outward and embraced my entire world.   My newly found peace and happiness are imperative to the self care which is needed and craved.  Codependents who struggle with confidence issues can find their peace.  The will to find this peace is ever present, but it takes work.  It is not an easy task and one must keep the will for peace at the forefront of all thoughts.  The good new is:  peace is attainable.

inner peace

 

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