While listening to an old song, which was a favorite of mine in the ’80s, I began to think, while crying, of my best friend in high school. Tina and I loved to sing in the car as we were driving to our latest adventure. Every time we were together, life became an amazing experience. She knew me better than anyone and we were there for each other no matter what. She helped me get through a broken heart by picking up the pieces and gently helped put them back together again. We laughed and cried and and shared our dreams.
As we grew older, our lives began to separate. I moved 2,000 miles away and it became difficult to keep in touch. As a codependent, I blame myself for losing contact as the constant need to keep everyone in my family happy overtook my need to have my dearest friend close to me.
Fifteen years later, I moved back only to discover I could not continue our friendship… she passed away. My heart broke again with all the things I could not say to her and thank her for. No one was there to pick up the pieces this time. My codependency raged at me for not keeping her in my life. I spoke with her family and young son at the funeral. I was able to speak honestly with her sisters and hug her son as they were my family also. Even though I was hurting so much, I realize that she helped me once again. She helped me to become a stronger person and learn to make myself happy first.
I have been on this long road to recovery from codependency for many years. I may never fully recover, but I am getting better every day. Being a strong woman is amazing when I can pull it off. Raising two boys that are becoming incredible adults makes me feel that full recovery is truly possible.
I miss you, Tina, and am so thankful you were a major part of my life. I am sorry for not being there for you when you needed me. I hope that I will make you proud some day. Rest in peace, my dearest friend.