The road is long…

The road is long, the journey is rough and consists of many different directions, obstacles, and decisions.  Being a lifelong codependent, I have always traveled my path with the belief that I can handle anything and everything on my own.  This belief is shared by many codependents as it creates an appearance of strength and competence.  The farther I travel on my walk, the more I have found others like me and this comes with the enlightenment that I do not have to be alone.  Others are willing to help carry my burdens and I am able to help with theirs.  In gathering friends and family along the way, the journey has become an adventure. forest above The strong and capable me becomes the sharing, loving, alive, and happy inner self that has waited for the chance to spring forth.  My journey is filled with faith, sunlight and happiness, an excitement greets each new day.  Codependency will no longer overshadow my world and leave me crouched in a corner, afraid to face the world.

I have taken a step back to view the forest, instead of focusing on the trees.

Music is therapy

“When you’re down and troubled and you need a helping hand and nothing is going right….  you just call out my name and know wherever I am…  I’ll come running to see you again.  You got a friend.”

“Sometimes in our lives we all have pain, we all have sorrow.  But if we are wise we know that there’s always tomorrow.  Lean on me when you’re not strong and I’ll be your friend, I’ll help you carry on.  For it won’t be long ’til I’m gonna need somebody to lean on.”

We are on this path together and need to be here for each other.  Musicfriend is the therapist that can help get you through life’s toughest challenges.  Together, we can push onward and truly enjoy the journey to recovery from codependency, addiction, depression, etc.  Lean on me…  Someday, I may need to lean on you as well.

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Found, but not lost

Today was the day I was found.  While I was not lost, I was walking a path that was unclear and out of focus.  I was not able to see what my future would become and was not looking forward with much hope.  This morning, hearing one song veered me back toward the path on which I was meant to be.  Music empowers me in different ways and today this song touched me deeply.  I need to change for the better, my family needs this from me.  I replayed the song no less than six times. 

I know what I need to do with my life and what has been found within me.  While the Lord has never left my side, I turned away from and not toward Him for help, guidance, strength and peace.  Sometimes, being strong means forgiving yourself and accepting the help of others when it is offered.  I am more aware and alive than I have been in a long time.  I thank God for granting the gift of writing music and lyrics for others to share with us.  Music has once again shown me the way and hit me right between the eyes with this song.  I have been found.

Changed by Rascal Flatts

I came up, out of the water
Raised my hands, up to the Father
Gave it all to Him that day
Felt a new wind kiss my face
Walked away, eyes wide open
Could finally see where I was going
It didn’t matter where I’d been, I’m not the same man I was then

I got off track, I made mistakes
Back slid my way into that place, where souls get lost,
lines get crossed and the pain won’t go away
I hit my knees, now here I stand
There I was, now here I am.. Here I am.  Changed.

I got a lot of “hey I’m sorry”s, the things I’ve done,
Man that was not me I wish that I could take it all back,
I just wanna tell ’em that.. tell ’em how

I’ve changed for the better.  More smiles, less bitter…
I’m even starting to forgive myself.  Yes I am

I hit my knees, now here I stand
There I was, now here I am, here I am, here I am I’m changed.
Yes I am.. I’ve changed for the better

Thank God, I changed

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A walk in my shoes…

Living with an alcoholic father, a chemically dependent sister, and an alcoholic husband, my life has not always been the picture perfect family I had projected it to be.  Knowing that I had to be the glue, the constant, that held a family together was draining on me.  The want to escape was great.  This want led to many forks in the road and so often I chose the wrong direction.high heels

There are many times I question every decision I made, every choice I chose.  Hindsight is definitely 20/20 and I would have done things so differently had I known the path I was going to walk.  I have hurt many people with the choices I have made and I learned to forgive myself.  One could drive oneself crazy thinking about “what ifs” and “what could have beens.”  I have spent an enormous amount of negative energy on these thoughts and the only thing that has come from it is the guilt and sadness with which they are associated.

Being judged or disliked because of my past choices is heart wrenching.  I quickly want to explain my past and why I am where I am now.  I want to kick off my shoes and hand them over…  here…  take a walk in my shoes.

The new me is actively engaged in specific thought processes before major, life-changing decisions are made.  This can be difficult when the old me rears her ugly head and wants to rush into decisions and choices.  I have become a more calm, relaxed and rational person and this is a major victory!  It is difficult to break away from old habits, patterns, and routines, but we codependents can achieve a greater level of self-awareness and well-being when we engage ourselves in the specific thought processes from the beginning.  This awareness can leave you with a sense of power that is like no other.

Moving forward while standing still

I have run into many potholes on my path and surprisingly I am able to overcome life challenges and find new strength.  I am a student of trial and error and learning from my mistakes has always provided growth opportunities.  I believe I will always have a codependent piece in my character, one that I will never be able to truly leave behind.  It is who I am.  My journey to living for me has opened many other doors, doors which have me moving forward into new areas of my life that I would never have explored in the past.  I love my life and the family and friends that surround me and the support I receive keeps me grounded. 

I am excited to investigate the new areas my codependency has led me to, and am relieved to know I can make my mistakes and remain standing upright and proud.  I will continue to move forward on my path, while standing still and safe with the love of my family and friends.

path with bridge