New Year’s Resolution: Keep Myself Happy

I have spent the majority of my life making sure that everyone in my world is taken care of, happy, and comfortable.  Usually at the detriment of my own happiness.  My resolution this year is to take care of me and make myself happy.  I will spend less time worrying about what others think of me.  I will spend more time watching the sports that I love and the movies that make me feel good.  I will make sure that I do not sacrifice my peace and tranquility for the comfort of others.  I will no longer try to solve the problems of everyone around me and I will begin to solve the problems that are mine.  I will wear comfortable clothes and my hair in a fashion that pleases me.  I will not be irritated at the small things that usually anger me.  I will eat fattening and unhealthy foods at times because I love pizza and pasta. 

Finally, I will smile at people more often as I love when others smile at me.  I will make more homemade salsa because my friends and family enjoy it so much.  I will be the best friend I can be to my girlfriends.  I will write my blog as often as I can because I absolutely love writing and the people I have met in the process. 

I am responsible for my happiness and I look forward to beginning each new day as a happier, healthier person!

Warmth on a cold day

Winter is definitely here. A little too early, if you ask me. With it comes a blown-out tire and a car in the ditch–twice. While the day started off on a very bad note, the sun quickly came out and shone brightly. I have the most amazing neighbors and with their help was able to get out of the ditch and made it to work. At work, I paid it forward and assisted co-workers with issues they were having. The feelings of support, confidence, and happiness carried through the day and into the night. It is refreshing to know that you can rely on others and be relied upon.

Finding happiness within yourself first is expected. However, it can be a major accomplishment, if not a life goal for a codependent. We are more concerned with the happiness of others than that of ourselves, and will do “whatever it takes” to make sure others around us are happy. Self care is necessary and important, but the time spent on self-care does not equate to fulfilling happiness within yourself. Happiness is the self-confidence you feel after looking in the mirror and knowing you look great, the dance in your step when you have purchased the perfect outfit, and the joy felt when your dogs greet you at the door upon arrival. That is pure happiness. It must come naturally and from within yourself.  Find it… it is in you.

Related articles that make me smile:

• Gratitude for warmth (gratitude21.wordpress.com)
• An open Letter to my Heated Blanket: (hdfloyd73.wordpress.com)

Love me? …or love me not?

The codependent in me is working overtime. As I have stated in past blogs, I tend to be a very opinionated person. So opinionated that I will not back down when I am challenged. Standing my ground almost always leads to me looking like the fool and the guilt that kicks in afterward is palpable. My current obsession is about a friend of mine. She is the person who always runs the show and tends to be a bit bossy. One particular evening, she was saying negative comments about someone who I really like. I defended the person after the comments were made. As my friend is rarely met with opposition, she shut down and wouldn’t continue with her argument. I was not trying to “win” the argument, I just felt the things being said were unfair.

Since that fateful day, I have not talked to this friend. We are not the closest friends, nor do we speak daily, but I do consider her a friend, as our husbands are best friends. I recently saw her and her husband at a basketball game and they left without even acknowledging us. I was left feeling confused and then the guilt and overly obsessive want to make it better kicked in.

I wonder if I should just keep quiet and rarely speak up in group conversations. This leaves a bad taste in my mouth as I will be giving up a piece of who I am. Maybe I will have to take the advice I learned long ago… do I want to be happy, or do I want to be right? I just want to be me…

Looking for love… in all the wrong places

In the past, I felt I needed to be liked or “loved” by almost everyone with whom I come into contact.  I craved attention, while at the same time blending in with the wallpaper.  I was agreeable in any conversation, even if I truly disagreed with the subject or opinions surrounding it.  I was always the one person who made everyone comfortable, the mediator, the thermostat, the “middle child.”  The one person who others would tell their secrets, or problems, like there was a neon sign above my head declaring that I was a great listener and was open for business.  My need to be loved overshadowed the inner turmoil and uncomfortableness I would feel around some men, which always led to regret and sadness. 

On my journey to independence from codependency, I have learned that I can speak my mind and state my own opinions without fear.  At times, I believe I speak my mind more loudly than I should. and will later second guess myself.  The guilt still tries to creep in, or the need to explain or excuse myself.  I stand behind my convictions, and am strong in my beliefs.  I am now the square peg and do not fit into the round hole.  Being strong suits me and I feel I do not need to look for love any longer, but accept the true love and friendship I am finding along my journey.  Love me for who I am, not for who you want me to be.

Related articles

• Choose Happy (yogisanonymous.com)
• He said, She said:  CoDependency vs. True Love – How to Tell Them Apart http://www.delmartimes.net/2011/04/23/dr-he-said-she-said-codependency-vs-true-love-%E2%80%94-how-to-tell-them-apart/
• Don’t confuse codependency for passion (elaineneo89.wordpress.com)
• Love is… (mskarenminor.wordpress.com)

Old Friends, Good Times

I went to a party tonight and saw many people with whom I attended high school.  It was interesting as I had not spoken with many of them in quite a long time.  It really struck me the way people embellish on their lives and make things seem a bit more amazing than they truly are.  It makes me take a step back and look at my life as in who I am and how I deal with my situations.  I realize that even with all of the issues I have had to deal with:  the anger of my ex-husbands, the control that was used on me, and the range of emotions in dealing with alcoholics; my life is beautiful.  I have wonderful children, a supportive family, and a strong character that enables me to deal with the situations life throws at me on a daily basis.

I may not have money, I may not have fame, but what I do have is what makes me a loving, caring, strong, happy individual.  It is what makes the sun come out every day, even when it is raining.  I cherish what I have and I thank God every day.