Why not me?

Why do I feel insecure?  Why am I not important?  Why am I told it is always about me, yet I feel overlooked?

When someone is excessively put down, beaten, and made to feel unimportant, it is almost impossible for that person to pick themselves up, change their attitude, and be important.   It is simple for a codependent to act the way others expect them to, but they never really feel that way for themselves. Being compared to others is always at the forefront of their mind. The feeling of not being good enough, pretty enough, smart enough… it is hard to overcome. When you pair those feelings with another who is very controlling and selfish, the outcome is devastating. A codependent has a difficult time finding their own sense of being. It is near impossible to feel and be normal. The sad truth is, we never feel good enough.

I have moments of clarity and happiness, as well as moments of severe sadness. I know I can overcome the sadness, or can I?  I will never be normal, although I am unsure what normal is supposed to be.  Can I be normal?

The plight of codependents–being unsure of how to make themselves happy while ensuring the happiness of others. I have made others laugh today…  why am I not happy?  I have made others feel loved and cared for today.  Why do I not feel loved?

Since I am unable to feel love and comfort from others today, I will rely on my faith to bring me happiness.  God, bless me and others who are sad, or overlooked, today.

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The Secret

What is the secret to a long and happy life?  Many believe it is staying fit and keeping in good health.  Others believe it is not taking risks and staying safe.  I believe the secret is happiness, a positive outlook, and a deep faith.  When a person is positive and loving life, it  inspires others to shine and want to have a more positive outlook as well.  I also notice that when I am in a positive frame of mind, I am more patient, and treat others with more love and kindness.  I, personally, really love to see people smile.

Happiness comes from within.  Believe it and smile.  Get your shine on!smiling

Perception

To wear the badge of “Codependent,” one must go through a lifetime of addiction, dysfunction, and very trying life situations.  It is not a perfect life, nor is it an easy one.  It is, however, the life we have formed for ourselves and the life we live.  We are able to make the lives of those around us more pleasant, much to our own detriment.  It is the role in life that we have chosen and we take our role seriously.  It is a burden and it is a challenge, but we come out in the end as very capable and strong individuals.  I believe we become codependents as a result of the love we feel for the people to whom we are codependent.

This love we feel becomes hidden behind the façade of meekness or possibly even weakness.  It appears that we are incapable of handling situations, are controlled by others, and rarely do we think for ourselves.  Little do these people know about the strength and power every codependent holds.

A large part of my self-care involves writing this blog and writing has become a source of my strength.  The more I write, the stronger and more confident I feel.  When I feel confident, I want to share this confidence in my writing with the people closest to me.  I recently had my best friend state that she would like to edit my book, which is a story of my life and how I became the amazing codependent I am today.   I consented and provided it to her.  Upon her reading of only the beginning chapters, I was told that my book is too personal, how would my mother feel, and if this book ever got into the wrong hands I would surely be hurt due to the choices and decisions I have made in my past.  I was speechless.  I showed another friend a couple of my blog postings.  After she read them, she stated “that is just sad.”  I was hurt. 

Since I am on the road to recovering from codependency and heading towards independent living, I have to share the bad with the good.  It would be very easy for me to write a happy post every day, but that is not my purpose.  There are many of us codependents out there and if I can help even one, my life would be blessed.  I do not feel that we should hide or be embarrassed about our life stories.  They did, after all, mold us into the people we are today, and I am not unhappy being me.  I actually like me.

People do not take time to walk in the shoes of another or try to understand the pitfalls and roadblocks someone has faced on their path to recovery.  Perception without empathy is a very shallow view.

P.S.  I want to thank you all for reading my posts–you motivate and help me more than you know!

Maybe I need to count to 100,000 instead

I have been consciously trying to follow my self-made rules when I get angry: count to 10, step back, and then speak, quietly. Lately, I have found myself climbing up the anger ladder so quickly that I need to actually remove myself from the situation before I say things for which I will need to apologize. The fact that I seem to be irritated more often makes me shake my head and wonder why? I have always been the “nice” one. Has my want to overcome codependency and become a strong woman made me an irritable witch? That is surely not what I want to be known as! And what is this need I now have for others to make me happy? What? Am I now the anti-codependent?

As I explore this new aspect of my personality more closely I hope I make a profound discovery soon. I miss the nice, shy me and want her back, without having to knowingly and willfully be her. This is an interesting new chapter of my life, one that seems to be extremely challenging. Wish me luck….

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