Stepping Out of the Shadows

I have lived a life in the shadows of others.  Time to shine.

I was the best wallflower with the most amazing ability to blend into any background.  Never wanting to draw attention to myself, I was uncomfortable at parties, especially if alcohol was present.  I always wanted to be the girl who was extremely confident, fun, and who others gravitated towards.  This was not to be.  I grew up too fast and this maturity at such a young age stunted my “party” persona.  I still feel awkward in a party setting or a large crowd, but I am changing.  Enter Me 2.0.

I have before me an opportunity to take control of my destiny and be successful.  The window to this opportunity will not stay open long and I must firmly grasp this chance by being more assertive, more willing to be a “no” person, as well as be more forward thinking.  I know I am capable of doing all three, and have the confidence to accomplish much in my career.  However, the constant need to make everyone happy rears its ugly head again.  I often feel the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other.

As I break away from the old me and walk at a steady pace, I continuously look back at the old me in the shadows.  While the old me will always have her place in my soul, the new me is becoming quite remarkable.  I face forward and move more quickly toward my future  My change is my destiny.  I will become a new me.

“Destiny is not a matter of chance; it is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.”
―William Jennings Bryan

“We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it.”
―Rick Warren

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I look in the mirror…. what do I see?

I look in the mirror and see a shadow of the person I used to be.  The old me was a happy, free-spirited person and the new me is needy and angry.  Have I gone from being the codependent to the addict?  My addition is a need for constant affirmation and to be loved.  My world is not making sense and this frightens me.  I do not like what I see mirrorin the mirror, and I am not talking about appearance.  I can see through to my soul and it is not pretty.  If I can see this so clearly, what do others see?  I am appalled to think of myself as an ugly person.  It is time for a makeover.  Time for more prayer and reflection.  Time for the beginning of a new chapter in the Me series. 

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.  A life with a beautiful soul.

 

 

Time for Me

Forty years have passed and here I am…  the new me.  What does a codependent do when they don’t have someone to be codependent on?  At first, I felt a bit lost.  There was always chores and busy work to be done and my home was immaculate.  Anything to take the mind off the unsettling feeling that I was no longer whole.  I thought I needed to be needed, to fix or help someone.  So, I started to write.  All the feelings and care I had given over forty years came out in words. Some words were beautifully strung together, other were angry, chopped sentences.  The range of emotion I was actually feeling for the first time was staggering.  The release was unbelievable.  But this was only the beginning of my story…

There is life after codependency–live it!

“I used to spend so much time reacting and responding to everyone else that my life had no direction. Other people’s lives, problems, and wants set the course for my life. Once I realized it was okay for me to think about and identify what I wanted, remarkable things began to take place in my life.”

― Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go: Hazelden Meditation Series