I look in the mirror…. what do I see?

I look in the mirror and see a shadow of the person I used to be.  The old me was a happy, free-spirited person and the new me is needy and angry.  Have I gone from being the codependent to the addict?  My addition is a need for constant affirmation and to be loved.  My world is not making sense and this frightens me.  I do not like what I see mirrorin the mirror, and I am not talking about appearance.  I can see through to my soul and it is not pretty.  If I can see this so clearly, what do others see?  I am appalled to think of myself as an ugly person.  It is time for a makeover.  Time for more prayer and reflection.  Time for the beginning of a new chapter in the Me series. 

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.  A life with a beautiful soul.

 

 

Advertisements

Perception

To wear the badge of “Codependent,” one must go through a lifetime of addiction, dysfunction, and very trying life situations.  It is not a perfect life, nor is it an easy one.  It is, however, the life we have formed for ourselves and the life we live.  We are able to make the lives of those around us more pleasant, much to our own detriment.  It is the role in life that we have chosen and we take our role seriously.  It is a burden and it is a challenge, but we come out in the end as very capable and strong individuals.  I believe we become codependents as a result of the love we feel for the people to whom we are codependent.

This love we feel becomes hidden behind the façade of meekness or possibly even weakness.  It appears that we are incapable of handling situations, are controlled by others, and rarely do we think for ourselves.  Little do these people know about the strength and power every codependent holds.

A large part of my self-care involves writing this blog and writing has become a source of my strength.  The more I write, the stronger and more confident I feel.  When I feel confident, I want to share this confidence in my writing with the people closest to me.  I recently had my best friend state that she would like to edit my book, which is a story of my life and how I became the amazing codependent I am today.   I consented and provided it to her.  Upon her reading of only the beginning chapters, I was told that my book is too personal, how would my mother feel, and if this book ever got into the wrong hands I would surely be hurt due to the choices and decisions I have made in my past.  I was speechless.  I showed another friend a couple of my blog postings.  After she read them, she stated “that is just sad.”  I was hurt. 

Since I am on the road to recovering from codependency and heading towards independent living, I have to share the bad with the good.  It would be very easy for me to write a happy post every day, but that is not my purpose.  There are many of us codependents out there and if I can help even one, my life would be blessed.  I do not feel that we should hide or be embarrassed about our life stories.  They did, after all, mold us into the people we are today, and I am not unhappy being me.  I actually like me.

People do not take time to walk in the shoes of another or try to understand the pitfalls and roadblocks someone has faced on their path to recovery.  Perception without empathy is a very shallow view.

P.S.  I want to thank you all for reading my posts–you motivate and help me more than you know!

Maybe I need to count to 100,000 instead

I have been consciously trying to follow my self-made rules when I get angry: count to 10, step back, and then speak, quietly. Lately, I have found myself climbing up the anger ladder so quickly that I need to actually remove myself from the situation before I say things for which I will need to apologize. The fact that I seem to be irritated more often makes me shake my head and wonder why? I have always been the “nice” one. Has my want to overcome codependency and become a strong woman made me an irritable witch? That is surely not what I want to be known as! And what is this need I now have for others to make me happy? What? Am I now the anti-codependent?

As I explore this new aspect of my personality more closely I hope I make a profound discovery soon. I miss the nice, shy me and want her back, without having to knowingly and willfully be her. This is an interesting new chapter of my life, one that seems to be extremely challenging. Wish me luck….

angerface

Guilty! ….Not!

Oops… I did it again. I made someone mad again. But my side of the argument was correct!!! Wasn’t it? I was right, they were wrong. I stood up for my point of view. Yea me! Now they are mad. Oh no… I feel so bad. How do I deal with this guilt? They can’t possibly be mad at me! I was right! I can make this better. I will call them. Or maybe an email. No! Wait! A text will fix everything. Maybe a gift?

After I have called and left a message, emailed them, and sent a text, why am I not feeling better? My heart hurts because I have now hurt them. My role as the perfect codependent is to make everyone feel good, not make them mad! I am the consummate thermostat in the room…. if things are heating up, I cool the them down. If things are getting chilly, I warm them up. That is what all good codependents do, right?

no-guiltWhen a codependent starts on a new path to independent living, they start to dismantle this thermostat and start to think on their own. Stating your opinion comes with this territory. I am learning to lose the guilt and shed the chains of codependency that bind me. I am an intelligent person who is entitled to my opinion. I will no longer clog the lines of social media with my guilt and need for forgiveness. If I have truly done something to someone which is worthy of the anger, then I will apologize and ask for forgiveness–one time. I will not beg and plead for that person to acknowledge my guilt. Freedom is a precious gift, my friends.