Why not me?

Why do I feel insecure?  Why am I not important?  Why am I told it is always about me, yet I feel overlooked?

When someone is excessively put down, beaten, and made to feel unimportant, it is almost impossible for that person to pick themselves up, change their attitude, and be important.   It is simple for a codependent to act the way others expect them to, but they never really feel that way for themselves. Being compared to others is always at the forefront of their mind. The feeling of not being good enough, pretty enough, smart enough… it is hard to overcome. When you pair those feelings with another who is very controlling and selfish, the outcome is devastating. A codependent has a difficult time finding their own sense of being. It is near impossible to feel and be normal. The sad truth is, we never feel good enough.

I have moments of clarity and happiness, as well as moments of severe sadness. I know I can overcome the sadness, or can I?  I will never be normal, although I am unsure what normal is supposed to be.  Can I be normal?

The plight of codependents–being unsure of how to make themselves happy while ensuring the happiness of others. I have made others laugh today…  why am I not happy?  I have made others feel loved and cared for today.  Why do I not feel loved?

Since I am unable to feel love and comfort from others today, I will rely on my faith to bring me happiness.  God, bless me and others who are sad, or overlooked, today.

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Music is therapy

“When you’re down and troubled and you need a helping hand and nothing is going right….  you just call out my name and know wherever I am…  I’ll come running to see you again.  You got a friend.”

“Sometimes in our lives we all have pain, we all have sorrow.  But if we are wise we know that there’s always tomorrow.  Lean on me when you’re not strong and I’ll be your friend, I’ll help you carry on.  For it won’t be long ’til I’m gonna need somebody to lean on.”

We are on this path together and need to be here for each other.  Musicfriend is the therapist that can help get you through life’s toughest challenges.  Together, we can push onward and truly enjoy the journey to recovery from codependency, addiction, depression, etc.  Lean on me…  Someday, I may need to lean on you as well.

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The removal of monkeys

The monkey stole my free time.  I have been so busy feeding monkeys, I have lost myself.  The time has come to pluck them off my back, one by one, grab my laptop and do the thing that makes me so ridiculously happy and connected–writing.  There is such freedom in writing and sharing, as well as reading my fellow bloggers’ posts.  This is a huge part of my self-care and I love it.  looking out the window

As I am a recovering codependent, there are times I still fall off the wagon.  I do too much and I help too much and at the end of the day I am exhausted.  I do not follow my advice and take time for me.  Turning off the worry and the need to fix everyone is crucial to all codependents, yet how do we do accomplish it?  Others know they can continually come to us for help and we are overloaded with monkeys that have come from everyone else’s back.  Time to turn the tables and give some of the monkeys back.  It is really hard to feed them all, is it not?  By hitting the switch to off duty, I am more rested, more caring, more helpful, and more at peace.  Imagine that.  Taking the time to look out the window at the world around me gives me the opportunity to switch it off.  Finding the time to do the things that care for ourselves is important to our recovery.  Your inner child will wake up and be giddy with excitement, as you have found the time to play.  Check out of the monkey business, check into the solitude and freedom of your own mind.  You, and your family, will be happy you did.

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Maybe I need to count to 100,000 instead

I have been consciously trying to follow my self-made rules when I get angry: count to 10, step back, and then speak, quietly. Lately, I have found myself climbing up the anger ladder so quickly that I need to actually remove myself from the situation before I say things for which I will need to apologize. The fact that I seem to be irritated more often makes me shake my head and wonder why? I have always been the “nice” one. Has my want to overcome codependency and become a strong woman made me an irritable witch? That is surely not what I want to be known as! And what is this need I now have for others to make me happy? What? Am I now the anti-codependent?

As I explore this new aspect of my personality more closely I hope I make a profound discovery soon. I miss the nice, shy me and want her back, without having to knowingly and willfully be her. This is an interesting new chapter of my life, one that seems to be extremely challenging. Wish me luck….

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Codependents helping codependents… where does it end?

My friend recently received information about her past which was quite unsettling.  While she was quickly spiraling downward into depression, I was providing strength, therapy, and comfort while applying all my tried and true codependent techniques to help her.  I know that she just needed an ear, someone to listen, but as every good codependent knows, we have to fix.  We have to make it better.  We have to bring the temperature back down to a comfortable degree.

It is difficult to be a codependent to another codependent.  It is as if you are on a fast-spinning merry-go-round waiting to see which one of you will fall off first.  I was passionate in my arguments in opposition to how she was handling the situation.  I made points which had her stopping, mid-sentence, to think about what I said.  This was the type of response I was hoping for so I continued with my argument.  As philosophical, intelligent, and worldly as I sounded, I quite possibly argued my case right out the door.   As is usually the way, my suggestions and advice fell on deaf ears.  I dropped the gloves and reverted to my usual pattern, which was solely support. 

How does one codependent effectively help another codependent?  Listening and unconditionally loving.  Being there to pick up the pieces of their shattered heart.

Fight… or Flight?

I  have wings.  I have not seen them or touched them, but I know they are there.   I fly….  fast and quick as I remove myself  from potential “situations”.   In the peak of my codependency, I was unable and unequipped to deal with confrontation, accusations, or anger when it was directed at me.  I have learned much about alcoholism over the years.  Alcholics go through many stages while drinking and trying to gauge which stage an alcoholic is at can be extremely trying.  The angry threatening stage was the worst for me, as I felt I could never say or do the right things to bring the anger down or defend myself.  It was far easier for me to run.  Avoidance was my only hope of maintaining my sanity.  I was not a fighter and trying to stand my ground or make my point was a like a small dog shaking after it has been scolded.  My brain would freeze and I could not seem to form a sentence.  Flight was a much better resolution for me.  The only problem with flight is that eventually you have to return to the scene and face the music.   Also, fleeing a situation causes the aggressor to feel that they were “right” all along.  We all know how it feels to be wrong all the time.

I am one of the lucky ones.  I have learned from my past.  I realized the inner strength I had inside myself and I draw on that strength often.  I now consider myself to be a fighter.  I face my situations head on and know now that honesty really is the best policy.  My new motto:  “say what you mean, and mean what you say.”  Words to live by.

My fellow codependents, take back your strength and no longer give it away to be used against you.  Be strong…  and fight for yourself.

Self Care 101

seedling_handsOne guideline I continuously follow, as I travel on this journey, is my self-care regimen.  Not only do I follow the self-care regimen, I preach it.  Every codependent I know and have met has found themself in a rut at one time or another.  Most have an extremely hard time getting out of this rut and fall even deeper into despair and depression.  I cannot emphasize the importance of taking care of oneself.

Self care is a project, a movie, a good book, gardening, shopping, painting, knitting, building, ANYthing that takes you away from your present life or situation and provides you with a brief time of peace.  Almost as if you have pushed the pause button on your life.  When I hit the depths of my despair and fell into a rut, my children were always there pushing me back up.  Just putting a hand on their head would give me a chance to breathe.  I learned that I love life.  All life. 

Coming home from work, I had a brief moment to hug my dog before I had to shield myself to face what was coming.  Would it be an evening filled with anger?  Would I be chastised for not having the evening meal planned, let alone prepared?  The evenings when I could spend a moment in my son’s room while he told me about his day at school was a blessing.  The evenings my ex-husband would pass out on the couch early, was like a slice of heaven.  I was then able to care for my birds, scratch my dog’s belly, and have time for me.  As it turns out, I have quite the green thumb.  My home had been converted into a green house.  Gardening is apparently my self-care.  I love watching my plants grow and thrive.  I planted them.  I cared for them.  I loved them.  I saved them.

We all need our moments to breathe and find peace.  Search for what makes you happy and use it to care for yourself.   Your self-care is your escape.  Use it and grow from it.  It will save you.